Are you dating??

It’s not an unusual question. And, of course, inquiring minds would like to know. After the obligatory “How have you been,” the question that comes out (or doesn’t always if you don’t have that sort of rapport with the person you’re speaking with) is “Are you dating (yet)?”

The question, when directed at me, is met with an unsolicited shudder, the contortion of my face, and a “God…NO!” It’s an unexpectedly dramatic answer that takes people aback. It could almost be an offensive response to an innocent question.

I was married to the person who I thought was my soul mate for a little over twenty years. Two decades. 7,300 days. We’ve known each other since I was fifteen. And although the demise of our union spanned a few years, the events in those final months where I actually surrendered to it felt…sudden. Unexpected.

Our lives have moved in opposite directions and whereas just a few years ago I couldn’t imagine growing old without him, I now wonder how we both put up with each other for so long. But the reality is, you become entwined with a person for so long and the familiarity of them is all you know.

The thought of trying to start over with someone else doesn’t scare me. But it’s a thought that brings every fiber of my being to a standstill. My muscles tense up and my brain sends nasty messages to my body saying, “Look. Look at that carnage. The bits of your shattered heart are all over the ground you walk on!”

It’s mean, my brain. But it isn’t wrong. And I say this without wanting to wax poetic but I had romantic love. I was loved so immensely and completely that I often took the small but significant moments for granted. But the sorrow that love came with is not insignificant. We, as a couple, didn’t just pull our lives a part but the lives of our daughters and everyone who love us.

So, yes, first love is beautiful. Getting to know someone new, watching their quirks, standing so close to them you smell their skin, and feeling the giddiness in your gut. Those feelings have built empires and influenced the greatest artists in the world.

There are people who can spend their lives loving again and again. The beauty of falling in love for them far outweighs the pain of falling out of love. But I’m not one of those people. I am less afraid of being alone than I am of feeling the heartache I’ve felt at any capacity.

If you are a brave soul putting yourself out there after a heartbreak like mine, I admire you. And if you feel like I do, I think that’s okay. Starting over with someone else isn’t for everyone.