The Trials and Tribulations of Late Life Single Parenthood

I think that becoming a single parent after separation or divorce at any point in life is challenging. You have to make extremely uncomfortable adjustments and your life is turned upside down. Even if it’s an unraveling that took years, the moments when everything truly unfolds takes your breath away (and not in a good way).

I got married almost right after college in my early 20’s and had kids young. My ex-husband’s job, for the better part of our lives together, was more of a career than mine and took priority since it paid exponentially more than mine did. My own upbringing taught me that love meant unwavering commitment and a pool of giving. In the analogy of an oxygen mask on an airplane – sure, you give yourself the oxygen mask first but you only take a enough of a hit to have the strength to give the rest of the oxygen to the people you love most.

For good or bad, I took on this trait when I had my own family. Although my ex-husband would say there are so many things he got just for me (and it’s true, he did) there is very little I actually call my own. If I buy something for myself and my daughters ask to have it (not knowing I got it for me, by the way), I would give it to them without hesitation or regret. My life, much to the chagrin of progressive women everywhere, has been a life dedicated to my family.

And after generations of women on both sides of my family, placing ourselves last (not because we had to, but because it actually provides some twisted sense of happiness), I told my three daughters I want them to be different. I want them to be bold, unapologetic, and to allow themselves to be princesses. I want them to love, but never hard enough that it hurts. I want them to just BE.

The difficulty in trying to raise kids in a way that is day and night from your own upbringing is that you’re constantly self-correcting. Genetically, you want to say and do one thing, but your inner woke mama says or does something that you think benefits your daughters more. When you have adult daughters who aren’t quite out on their own yet, the challenge lies in letting them be (like you told them to) and guiding them (versus parenting).

These challenges aren’t uncommon with immigrant parents, raising kids in a society different from our own. But for single parents, you’re doing this all on your own. And when you screw something up, one of your daughters says or does something that flips that frustration switch on, or every day life is just throwing you some nasty curve balls, those hard moments somehow feel worse. The finances, home repairs, helping the kids with adulting – it falls on you. And although that’s always been the case, married or divorced, doing things as a single parent feels like an elephant laying on your chest. There is no one to share the joys and the burdens with. And hard conversations or decisions with the kids, although part and parcel of parenthood, feel like another moment where you could disappoint them, lead them down a wrong path, or manage to scar them a little more than your marriage did.

I am learning as I go. Soaking in all the wonderful moments and trying my best to believe that the crappy moments won’t last. I try to believe I am doing my best with what I have (which sometimes doesn’t feel like a lot).